Obama makes history in more ways than one

Barack Obama has apparently clinched the Democratic Party’s nomination for president, apparently gained enough delegates to ensure that he will run against John McCain to see who will spend the next four years looking totally incompetent.

I say “apparently” because you can never count out Hillary Clinton, even if it appears that she has dropped out of the race. She just never quits. That’s why she’s still married to Bill, when most women would have sent him packing after the 159th affair. “Let’s keep trying,” she says to him, words he’s soon whispering into another woman’s ear.

Yes, Hillary isn’t a quitter. So don’t be surprised if, between now and Aug. 25, when the Democrats hold their national convention, 100 Obama-supporting super-delegates mysteriously disappear, only to be discovered a year later at a commune in India, doing yoga and meditation.

But let’s assume that Obama will be the nominee. It’s important to pause and recognize the historical significance of this. It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate whose name begins with ‘O.’

Obama is not only making history, he’s opening the door for other ‘O’ candidates. Now you know why Oprah is so thrilled. And why there’s so much excitement among the Irish. “It’s wonderful,” Irish cricketer Niall O’Brien said. “Everyone in Ireland is so happy that O’Bama won.”

Another first is worth mentioning, even if it’s fairly obvious: it’s the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a candidate whose initials are BO. As everyone who has been to college knows, BO stands for beer obsession. Actually, it stands for body odor, which some students specialize in. I know one student who got a degree in it. He had a BA in BO.

In reference to Obama, however, it’s obvious what BO stands for: born orator. If his mom were alive, she’d tell us how early he started speaking, how he would keep asking “When’s my birthday coming? When’s my birthday coming?” and how she’d reply, “Be patient in there! There’s two whole months until the delivery date.”

Yes, Obama is a great orator, a man who, just by giving a speech, can inspire people to improve themselves. He can inspire old people to embrace new technology, parents to embrace their children, college students to embrace a bar of soap. He can even inspire celebrities: Kiefer Sutherland to embrace abstinence, Oprah to embrace humility, Aishwarya Rai to embrace acting lessons.

Obama’s speaking ability is matched by his amazing breadth of knowledge and attention to detail. Partly because he once lived abroad, his knowledge goes well beyond U.S. affairs, which brings us to another first: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who knows how to pronounce Pakistan. It’s “Pah-kee-stahn,” not the way President Bush pronounces it: “Pack-his-bags.”

I think there’s another significant first about Obama’s nomination, but I just can’t seem to remember it. What can I say, I’m getting old. Wait a minute … I think it has something to do with race. Oh, I remember now: It will be the first time in U.S. history that a major party has nominated a presidential candidate who won the egg-and-spoon race in elementary school.