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Nothing nice about rice price

Rice is extremely popular in our household — and I’m not talking about Condoleezza. I’m talking about the type of rice that looks warm and elegant at a dinner party.

My wife cooks rice almost every day. And when she isn’t cooking rice, she’s often making something out of rice, such as dosa and idli. She practically survives on rice. That’s why I’m concerned about the rising price of rice, even more than the rising price of gas. I need gas to run my car, it’s true, but I need rice to run my wife. Sure, she might operate on wheat or corn for a few weeks. But eventually I’d have to take her to the people mechanic.

Me: “She’s been very sluggish lately, ever since I started filling her up with wheat and corn.”

Doctor: “You’re an idiot! Don’t you know that she’s got a rice engine?”

Me: “A rice engine?”

Doctor: “Yes, she’s highly adapted to using rice as an energy source. Putting wheat and corn in her is like putting beer in your car. Only an idiot would do that.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s true. Lemonade is cheaper. Will she be all right? Is there any permanent damage?”

Doctor: “I’m not sure. Put her on the jack. I’ll take a look under her.”

Billions of other people share my wife’s affinity for rice — and that’s just in India and China. Many people in Asia eat rice (or a rice product) three times a day. For them, it’s not just a staple — it’s the entire stapler.

The price of rice has risen so fast, some people are paying twice as much as they did a few weeks ago. They’re furious — and understandably so. Just imagine how college students would feel if, all of a sudden, the price of beer doubled. There’d be riots on campus.

So what’s causing the price increase? I attribute it to three factors:

1. Biofuels. Too many farmers are growing corn and other crops to produce biofuels such as ethanol. The farmers association slogan “We put food on your table” has been changed to “Food? Who said anything about food?”

2. Weddings. Too much rice is being thrown at newly weds. We need to change this tradition, which unnecessarily wastes good food. Next time I go to a wedding, I’m throwing fruitcake.

3. Drought. Farmers in some regions have been unable to grow rice and other crops, despite praying day and night to the rain gods. A few desperate farmers have even invited Dustin Hoffman to visit, because they heard he was the “Rain Man.”

How dire is the situation? Well, several countries, including India and Vietnam, have stopped exporting rice, while Sam’s Club, a division of Wal-Mart, is restricting customers to four bags of jasmine, basmati and long-grain white rice per visit. Four bags. In some Asian households, that’s breakfast.

It reminds me of the time I visited a friend’s house for dinner.

Friend: “Here’s the appetizer. Rice chips.”

Me: “Thank you. What’s for dinner?”

Friend: “Fried rice with some rice soup. And for dessert we’re having rice pudding.”

Me: “Yummy! Anything to drink?”

Friend: “Yes, rice wine. It’s homemade, like everything else.”

Me: “Really? Where did you learn to cook so well?”

Friend: “Rice University.”

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